SECURITY GUARD: First I’m hearing about it. I haven’t had any....
SMITH-LEVIN: I’m the one that called the police.
SMITH-LEVIN: An hour went by, he thought he heard me calling his girlfriend “crazy.”
1st OFFICER: This a friend of yours?
SMITH-LEVIN: They’re not friends of mine.
1st OFFICER: But you said you know them.
SMITH-LEVIN: I do know the girlfriend, not the guy.
SMITH-LEVIN: I was at Fusion, about, like, 20 people over there just witnessed it.
1st OFFICER: Alright, you don’t have to get so close, buddy.
SMITH-LEVIN: I know, I’m just saying, 20 people over there...
1st OFFICER: I know what you’re saying. I can hear you from there.
SMITH-LEVIN: Okay, fine. So what do you want me...
1st OFFICER: Just keep going.
SMITH-LEVIN: Okay. I’ve never even had so much as an extended conversation with her, but I know who she is because we both grew up in Scientology. She said I stalked her like a year ago. I said, “Do you mean by messaging you on Facebook?” Because her boyfriend, who I do not know...
1st OFFICER: You can file whatever report you want but is this regarding you stalking her?
SMITH-LEVIN: No. It’s got nothing to do with it.
1st OFFICER: I don’t know. Sounds like that’s what she was trying to imply.
SMITH-LEVIN: No. She’s drunk, she has no idea what she’s saying.
1st OFFICER: Alright. You’re one of the bartenders here, right?
FEMALE BARTENDER: Yes.
1st OFFICER: So, the bald guy over there?
FEMALE BARTENDER: He did not start it.
MALE BARTENDER: Emily just told me that Aaron, the bald guy, was calling the other guy’s girlfriend a cunt like five times.
FEMALE BARTENDER: Yeah, there was an issue throughout the night. You can talk to him about it.
1st OFFICER: Oh, well, that will do it.
MALE BARTENDER: So, there might be a history there because as I was getting them to leave, she was going, “You’re a fucking stalker. I have proof and blah, blah, blah.” And he’s like, “Fuck you, blah, blah, blah.” Whatever, so....
2nd OFFICER: Yeah, you can’t be calling somebody’s girlfriend a cunt.
MALE BARTENDER: Someone called my girlfriend a cunt, I’d break their fucking mouth too.
1st OFFICER: Alright, so, what you saw was the other guy pushing this guy’s chair down?
SMITH-LEVIN: I have been at Fusion for the last three or four hours, sitting at the bar. I mean, if you want me to get into the details, I asked her and her boyfriend if she would sign my petition [redacted].
3rd OFFICER: Okay. What is she saying in all of this?
SMITH-LEVIN: Nothing! Oh, here’s what she said, here’s what she said, “I told him about what you did.” I don’t know, a year ago—which is, I sent her a lot of Facebook messages because she’s super fucking hot. There’s no animosity.
3rd OFFICER: But she brought up the whole thing about you stalking her. So, there’s a little bit of animosity.
SMITH-LEVIN: Well, she brought it up. She’s fucking crazy. But I’m saying, she brought up something that happened 18 months ago where, while I was really drunk, I sent her a bunch of Facebook messages. Like, what do you want me to say? I don’t know. She’s just super hot. I’m sorry.
2nd OFFICER: Like, she was trying to de-escalate, and so was the boyfriend until he did it the fifth time and the guy said, “Enough.” That’s what I understood.
3rd OFFICER: So, let me ask you something. So, some of the bartenders inside said that they heard the conversation. So, I am going to just spit out what they told us.
SMITH-LEVIN: Go ahead.
3rd OFFICER: Basically, you were talking to this girl and I heard, you know, the word is that you just didn’t just say she was “crazy,” but I heard, you know, you slipped out a couple of, you know, really bad words to this girl.
SMITH-LEVIN: Like, to the girl?
3rd OFFICER: To the girl.
SMITH-LEVIN: Oh, I wasn’t even talking to the girl. I was talking to the guy next to me. The girl was halfway down the bar. I wasn’t even talking to her.
3rd OFFICER: So this is the acquaintance of yours but you’re not talking to her, you’re talking to somebody else, but you’re talking about her and somebody overheard.
SMITH-LEVIN: Well, I mean, I guess her boyfriend overheard.
3rd OFFICER: Well, she said she overheard too, so.
SMITH-LEVIN: I believe that.
3rd OFFICER: Okay. The boyfriend, now defending the honor of his girlfriend, steps to you.
SMITH-LEVIN: Wait, is that—do my words justify him punching me in the face and knocking me down?
3rd OFFICER: So, let me ask you this—granted, the answer to that is “no,” okay. But, my wife is with me at a bar and I’m hearing this guy talking about my wife… It’s a problem.
SMITH-LEVIN: I agree.
3rd OFFICER: What do you expect me to do about it?
SMITH-LEVIN: Well, legally?
3rd OFFICER: Well, “Hey man, what are you doing?”
SMITH-LEVIN: Are we talking legally?
3rd OFFICER: Man to man, what would you do?
SMITH-LEVIN: Man to man, I might have one answer, but legally I’m talking about that motherfucker assaulted me.
3rd OFFICER: Okay.
2nd OFFICER: Two different witnesses both who are 100 percent sober.
SMITH-LEVIN: They weren’t even there. They were outside. Those witnesses were outside.
2nd OFFICER: Which witnesses are you—do you think I am referring to?
SMITH-LEVIN: Well, the reason I am assuming that I know, is because—all those people are good people, they’re not lying. I did call her a cunt after the assault. Forty minutes earlier, I was asking her to sign a petition [redacted]. I am not just calling a girl a cunt at a bar.
MALE BARTENDER: Emily said that Aaron was calling his girlfriend a cunt like five times and he finally just had enough of it and he got up and walked over there.
1st OFFICER: Seems like a reasonable response to me.